I Mean It To Be Personal

Cadena de Amor - What Matters Most

I know

why I am here

who I love

what I like

what I need to do.

It is different from

what I wish

Those are extra

and fancy too.

In the end it's not how far I have gone

But who is near

when it's time for me to go.

I know who loves me

or at least who I want to love me.

What matters is

I know who I love.

I have come
full circle.
I wanted to go there
 hoping to find what I want
Only to discover
I had it all along.
All the words and cheers
were intoxicating.
I started thinking of going there
and there
 and there.
But there is not where
I long for
otherwise I will be happy going there
because there is not here
and here was my there then.
It is where I am happy.
My refuge.
My home.
My love.

I do not long for an audience

to validate what I do.

No certificate to verify what I did.

I know what I do

I do it well

not because someone tells me

but because I set myself to do so.

Frankly I do not know how I got here

I can't remember ever planning

or plotting

but how I got here I remember,

was not always easy.

This I do know

that whatever I do

I do it because I know it is right

for me

and that is fine by me

and even more so if it make the one I love happy.

Maybe it's not what makes for greatness

It's not so self conscious

and not aiming for glory.

I do not think of myself first

but those who I love the most.

It gives me purpose.

An honorable duty.

I am honored to oblige.

I do not want to love everybody

and heaven forbid if everybody does in turn.

No, I want to love a few

And give it all.

It's personal, you know.

Quite simple

and ordinary

that it makes it rather

special.

Yes!

Thank you for being in my life.

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Their Mother's And Father's Eight Children

Their Mother's And Father's Eight Children
Once upon a time when I was a child and everything was perfect, I played with my five sisters and two brothers...

Pigment ink on 14"x17 Bristol Board

There is no greater blessing and a more desirable beginning in life for a child than to be born to a loving mother and father. The journey ahead is a series of adventures and struggles, of plans and surprises, joy and sadness,  happiness and pain, elation and sorrow, disappointments and contentment... an ebb and flow of highs and lows but always tempered and soothed by love. That is the premise of being a family. Sadly a family unit may end too soon or its equilibrium punctuated and jolted. So it rebuilds itself always with the goal of keeping and maintaining it as a source and refuge of love.

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Resigned

Resigned. Black, blue and navy micron pigment ink and black India ink on 14"x17" Bristol board. Still part of the Cadena de Amor series.



So I gaily walk along the brick path 
and chanced upon a fork on the road.
I stand tall and firm contemplating 
the scene before me, what to do?
I am at a crossroad.
This is getting old and I am weary.

It took me more than three days
what used to take one.
And for what?

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Thou Shalt Not Harm Nor Intend To Harm The One You Love

This is still part of the Cadena de Amor series but I am leaving the color off this one. It is black and white as can be as you can plainly see:

Sleeping With The Enemy. Pigment pen and  ink on 14"x17" Bristol Board. We have all heard of the saying that starts "With friends like these, who needs enemies..." Well you can just add just about anything else to that line. Love should never ever be associated with the words "use" and "abuse." People who love one anther do not use and abuse each other.  By all means, avoid parasites, predators, liars, thieves, violent persons and hypocrites. Do not permit anyone to use or abuse you. It is better to be alone than to be with someone who uses and abuses you.

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Shsssssssss...Listen To Teacher

Cadena de Amor, Ikatatlo. Chain of Love, Third. When I hear the word love, I think of my family and my friends. However, it's interesting how this series is prompting me to explore other facets of love, the so called love in disguise.  What have you learned about love?

A metaphor.

Some cadena de amor (Chain of Love) vines coil and constrict like a snake. Some people who claim to love you are like snakes.  They constrict, suffocate and poison. Always keep a pair of sharp scissors and a knife handy. The scissors so you can immediately cut the vine; the knife so can skin the snake. Better yet, just run away! Run, run far away! Black and colored pigment ink on 14"x17" Bristol Board.

I am reminded of my Mother telling me and my brothers and sisters how to run away from a snake, when I was a kid.

This is different, isn't it? :) 

  

 Antigonon leptopus Hook. & Arn. - Cadena de Amor (Spanish, Tagalog)

Also known as:
A. cinerascens M.Martens & Galleotti - Bride's Tears (English)
A. cordatum M. Martens & Galleotti - Coral Creeper (English)
A. platypus Hook. & Arn. Martens - Coral Vine (English)
Coculum leptopum (H & A) Stuntz - Chinese Love Vine (English) Coralila, Coralita (Jamaica), Hearts on a Chain (English), Love Vine (English), Queens Wreath (English)

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The Real Empowerment of Woman

Cadena de Amor, Ikaapat. (Chain of Love, Fourth). Surrounded By Vermin

Colored and black pigment ink on 14"x17" Bristol board

The real empowerment of woman 

is not turning her into an object of fantasy or whimsy

not by idolatry

not through empty rhetoric

nor the object of primitive machismo

neither through religious blackmail

and political maneuvers.
Educate her and foster her critical thinking skills.

It is freedom from cultural, political, economic, psychological and religious

subjugation and subservience

It is freedom from harm, harassment, domestic abuse and violence.

It is freedom of choice.

A woman should be free to choose life

Yet be free to manage her body

and control her own reproductive system.

A woman's uterus is her own,

not her husband's

nor the government's

nor the church's.

Responsible reproductive control starts prior to conception.

It does not mean reckless and irresponsible procreation.

Contraception should be safe and readily available.

No, I do not think a church should be forced to violate its canon 

and be twisted into providing this service.

True power starts when we foster a girl 

into believing she is a free human being,

and must take personal responsibility to maintain this freedom.

Her role is of primary importance

 whether she decides to be homemaker or 

follow a career path.

A woman must educate herself

Not wait for men in power to provide it

Nor through self-serving women's group propaganda and agenda

Nor through the dictates of church governed by men.

A woman who bears children should take the responsibility to

raise a daughter or a son so that both sexes equally reach their potentials

as free, responsible and productive members of society

respecting, regarding and supporting each other as equal

human beings.

Being a mother is not a God-given right nor guarantee.

But those who become one should bear in mind 

it is a responsibility.

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Scientific names	Common names
Antigonon leptopus Hook. & Arn.	Cadena-de-amor (Span., Tag.)
A. cinerascens M. Martens & Galleotti	Bride's tears (Engl.)
A. cordatum M. Martens & Galleotti	Coral creeper (Engl.)
A. platypus Hook. & Arn. Martens	Coral vine (Engl.)
Corculum leptopum (H & A) Stuntz	Chinese love vine (Engl.)
	Coralila, coralita (jamaica)
	Hearts on a chain (Engl.)
	Love vine (Engl.)
	Quuen's wreath (Engl.)

Cadena de Amor, Ikaduha

Freeze! Quit! Stop it!

What's wrong?

Nothing.

You are so intense.

So I asked if I should stop.

My daughter said no. Just stop being dramatic.

That's what I mean. I need to stop.

She said No!

I am confused.

I want to be like my daughter.

Who is like my husband.

Stoic.

And not dramatic.

Quietly intense.

Still real.

She just laughs.

Do you think I feel too much?

She said "yes."

Is it bad?

She said no.

I should not control it?

She said just be the way you are.

But everything goes with it.

She said yes.

So?

So just take it easy.

I don't know how.

It happened.

My child has become my teacher.

I am not a very good student.

Cadena de Amor, ikaduha. (Chain of Love, second). Archival colored and pigment ink on 14"x17" Bristol board.

Cadena de Amor, una.

These are pen and ink illustrations on larger bristol boards that will not fit in my scanner which my Mountain Lion rendered obsolete anyway. This is my revenge. I am drawing larger prices. So there! Unfortunately the photographs are subpar and don't capture the vivid colored pigments. I can't win. Update: Reshot the images...

Why are these women wearing native Philippine garments?

The Cadena de Amor is a flowering vine that is ubiquitous in the Philippines. I was triggered to draw this series after my recent trips to the Philippines. One day, my sisters and I went to the hospital to visit our sick sister. On the way to the hospital, we stopped at a red light. A little boy selling flower garlands peered into our car through the tinted windows. He wanted us to buy from him. He was about seven years old. Throughout the three trips I made to Metro Manila within one year, I saw many children living in the streets. The youngest vendor I ever saw was about three years old near the University of Santo Tomas. That month, the university through the Catholic church was opposing a congressional bill related to birth control. That night, there were many homeless families setting up mats as beds from corrugated  boxes. They were family units with adult males and females. On another night, we left the hospital at 2:00AM. Along a main street in Pasay City, there was an entire family unit sleeping on the sidewalk. The woman was breastfeeding a baby and she also had a toddler who appeared listless. Thoughts were running through my mind. I wanted to say something but I could not verbalize. After my sister's funeral, on the the last day of my third trip, my eldest sister took me to the airport. The traffic was horrendous and it was moving at a snail's pace. When I looked out the window, I saw a woman sleeping under an overpass. She was breastfeeding a baby. Near the airport there were so many street children working as vendors selling and begging. I have never been speechless. For once I did not really know what to say that could make the situation better. I understand there are socio-political, cultural and religious aspects to this problem. I thought to myself that somewhere along the way, there must have been some sort of love to cause the procreation. Sometimes the only way for me to deal with something is to imagine myself in such a situation. If love had anything to do with this kind of living, I would choose death than experience love. I will cut that chain of love in a hurry. So simplistic and I know it is not simple, or maybe it is. Let no man ever subject me and my children into living in such misery. I would rather be dead. I know I am wrong but I do not know how to make it right without morally fencing with the church. As someone once told me, everyone has the right to love and procreate and it is none of my business. Just like the way it was, everyone was just minding their own business.

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Cadena de Amor, Una

If you are chained and you fall, will you bounce or snap?

Cadena de Amor. 14"x17"  Black and colored pigment ink on Bristol Board.

The following may have or may not have anything to do with the above illustration which I may or may not explain someday. Thanks to Obamacare, I have never been busier writing rule programs. Yesterday at a friend's retirement party we cheekily gave her a picture of Obama to remind her to think of us and to remember why we are all insanely exhausted in meeting new regulations every time the government jerks. Yesterday, I also wrote six new rules for the upcoming influenza season. I felt numb afterwards. My husband told me that it isn't just Obamacare that made us maddeningly busy. He reminded me that I have always been busy at work ever since he knew me. That made me think. 

I have actually been busy mentally and physically since the day I decided to enroll in nursing college at age fifteen. I can't remember ever having had a "normal" or "regular" summer. I was either at some internship or work assignment. It is just recently that I started celebrating Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve with my family. Even then, I may be on call. Those who think that nursing is  glamorous do not know the reality of the profession. Hollywood either glamorizes or maligns the profession. It is heavily mental and emotional. As a former practicing trauma nurse I was constantly physically exhausted after a day's work, collapsed on the sofa, woke up at 3:00AM and discovered myself still in scrubs. My husband was so kind not to wake me up because according to him, I was so tired, almost unresponsive. I then woke up, took a shower and got ready to go work again at 5:00AM. That lasted many years. I spent my holidays in the emergency centers and trauma rooms because I had no children yet and we wanted to give those with children the chance to spend the holidays with their families. 

Yet somehow I must truly love my profession or I am stuck with it. Next year I would have graduated from nursing college thirty-five years ago. Except for two years of being a speech therapist, (yes, I studied speech pathology while pursuing post-graduate studies in nursing)  I have been a registered nurse since I came to America. I worked in several emergency and trauma centers but I stayed with my current company. This year, I celebrated my 25th anniversary. For that occasion, I received a $10.00 cafeteria voucher (I wonder where I placed that?), a 16MP pocket camera and the unquantifiable satisfaction of believing that with my work I make a difference in this world. 

The average age of the registered nurse is forty-eight years old. To this day, almost every hospital has a vacant nursing position. To the young women and men in America who enroll in nursing and commit to the profession, thank you. Otherwise, thank you to the graduates of foreign nursing schools who uproot themselves and leave their families to be a registered nurse in the United States of America. To my family, to my husband who has put up with a cranky and tired wife and especially to my children who had to contend with summers and holidays with a mother who is either at work or on call, thank you very much.

To my friends who make me smile and laugh with your visits and comments that help drive away the aches and weariness, thank you.

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Love And Hate In The Summer

Are you having fun? I hope so. Over here I am overwhelmed by work, especially this week. I have twelve rule modules to write before the end of the week. Never mind that I have already prepared a series of rule modules for production yesterday for two projects going live next week and the next. 

However, it's work and it's good. Also this month, having to vacate my corner office with wall to wall windows for another corner office with wall to wall windows. I love windows, although what I have seen outside my windows are a series of storm clouds and lightning in between severe heat and humidity. 

My manager is retiring this week; a very good analyst and manager. She helped me do my best for my family and enabled me to do a good job at work during difficult and challenging times. I don't think I could have worked anywhere where I had to give short notice and leave for overseas, return and in three days leave work again for another overseas flight and then four months later another overseas flight. It speaks a lot about the company I work for but sometimes immediate managers and directors greatly influence a good working atmosphere. I am grateful. Good luck, S. I enjoyed everyday we worked together and will miss you. Thank you very much for everything. Our new manager is  one of our fellow teammates who also happens to be a wonderful person and a terrific analyst. He is the youngest in our team but has our overwhelming support. 

In the meantime I had the worst experience with Apple. I HATE MOUNTAIN LION!!! For the first time, I hate Apple products. I now have a very expensive MacBook that is basically functionally useless other than email and web surfing. Even surfing sucks. I cannot print, I cannot scan, I cannot edit photos with my favorite program. I cannot watch videos with Safari, only in Chrome. It was supposed to be fast and eliminate bouncing icons. Now I have more bouncing icons when I open an application. It crashed my iPod forcing me to factory reset it. I lost thousands of photo files from a different computer I no longer have. Okay, so the photos are on Carbonite and discs but having them on my iPod was nice - lost that! I hate Apple support - non existent. It wants you to read user sites. I don't want to deal with strangers?! Now I have to use two computers, Microsoft Windows to do the important work and Mac for email and reading blogs. I am so frustrated. AAAARRRRGGGHHH! 

It's as if I found this really great tasting beef jerky except I lost all my teeth!

Not everything is bad.

Since I cannot scan might as well make the most of it. I am drawing larger pieces! 14"x17" and another thing...color!!! Yes, I am using colored pigment ink. Uh oh... :) A new series called Cadena de Amor. Let Google translate the meaning. Some details below. I am on my fifth 14"x17" illustration. Also new approach, more white spaces and stepping out of my comfort zone.

Tsup!!!

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Hitched: Chain of Love, Clove Hitch and The Collar

Antigonon leptopus (Cadena de Amor or Chain of Love), Clove hitch and Hangman's noose.

Pen and ink on 4"x4" Bristol Board

Nuts not Knots: I have not really been talking about my oak project lately...

ATC pen and ink drawings of some members of subgenus Quercus: Left to right: Quercus eugenifolia, Quercus costaricensis, Quercus grisea