Good morning! Wake up, It's your Birthday...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 10:27 AM

Good night Nene Cecil. Thank you for everything. I have two meetings tomorrow, a criminal case in the afternoon, and a deadline for the Supreme Court. Good night.

Happy Birthday, Son and Inday Leah

From the "Shed A Tear" collection.

My mind is agitated and my heart is healing and then breaking and then healing and then breaking.

Today, nineteen years ago, I was hanging from a trapeze. The obstetrician and nurses were running out of options and before they took out the big gadgets and the last option of rushing me to the operating room, they let me hang from a trapeze, the way the Indians did long ago, so I can deliver my baby. It did not work. My obstetrician told my husband that our son's heart and brain waves were strong and healthy, so they were avoiding an emergency cesarean section. They will use some gadgets and do some bedside procedures and if they don't work, then they have to rush me to the operating room. I have been in labor for 17 hours. My epidural anesthesia has worn off hours ago and I finally prayed that I would not die for I would feel horrible  leaving my husband with a newborn. I felt a huge sucking sensation. My obstetrician used the vacuum, the forceps and performed a fourth degree episiotomy that prevented me from sitting down for two months after delivery. My son was born. I was so exhausted I could not even lift my arms to touch him nor turn my head towards to kiss him. My husband said our son was so alert and just looking around. For nineteen years he has put me on the edge. He is the most loving, faithful, loyal and protective young man I know. When he was young, he did not want me to stand in the driveway in the evening because he was worried that people will drive by and hurt me. I listened to him so he would stop worrying. He makes me proud and happy.

Today, he shares his birthday with my sister Leah. True to her word and promise, my sister Leah celebrated Christmas with my sister Mercedes and then her birthday today. I could not call because I could not get an international line. I could not call her because she could not talk to me. She continues to struggle with cancer. 

My heart is bursting with pain. Sometimes tears fall like a mountain cataract because I am so angry that the kindest, most altruistic, most intelligent, brilliant and smartest of my siblings has been deprived of her brilliant mind. I am so sad. Dammit. I am sorry for cursing, but my heart aches. My heart cannot contain my love for my sister. It is the same with my other sisters and brothers and my sisterfriend. It is the same for my husband and my children. So here I am. I am so happy that my son and all of us here have come a long way from the growing pains and yet my anguished mind and my breaking heart is blinding me with tears. 

No amount of squiggling can relieve that sensation. I suppose I should be honored and grateful for I am awake and can write this... my sister cannot.

I really wish that love had real power...

P.S. When my son was a baby, I used to play Ella Fitzgerald's songbooks and I danced to this song while I carried my son and held his face next to mine.


k.h.whitaker said...

oh Ces, happy birthday to your son!!! my son thanks you for his packet :) He was so surprised and pleased by it. You are very kind and generous. Thank you! It breaks my heart to hear the tears in your words about your sister. Cancer is most unfair. It hurts so many good and wonderful people.

Julia Christie said...

Happy birthday to your son and I am very sorry to hear Leah is not doing well - I agree cancer is a monster that steals the brightest stars and I wish the most brilliant minds could somehow find a cure - I send you a hug. I know there are not really any words to make it better.

Hugs and more hugs

audrey said...

Dear Ces,
I send birthday wishes to your son and your sister. I can feel your sorrow and pain in your words. I'm sorry for your sadness, but your love is unfailing and strong. That is what they need and that is what you give them.
Were you not the loving person that you are, you would not feel the anguish that you do. Stay strong, Ces.
TSUP and hugs
audrey ♥

Shirley said...

I am wishing your son and your sister happy birthdays! Oh Ces, my heart breaks for you for your sister's condition. Cancer is so devastating for everyone it touches and I am so sorry that your dear sister is battling this. I know that she feels the love of her family and I hope that within your heart you know that she feels it. What an amazing birth story..the ordeal you went through is incredible but I am thrilled to hear how loving and strong your son is..and how he is a protector. Sending you my best and hugs, dear Ces. Tsup!

Tammie said...

I am crying with you
your ache is mine as well

i also take great joy that you and your son made it through your challenging beginning together and that he and you love deeply, one another! that is a great joy.

Steve E said...

Happy Birthdays midst blinding tears.

Ces your writing describes so well those feelings--so much so that I and others can identify, relate...and relive that happiness and those tears--the blinding sort, in our own lives. Some stuff that will always lurk as a haunting ghost--other stuff , happy stuff, will remain as a place to gently help you (me, us) work through impossible parts of life's seemingly pointless sufferings.

Personally, I thank and praise god tonight, for His gift to you of wonderful, supportive, loving family and sister-friend.

I FEEL prayers all over the place--for you and your family, and sister-friend.

PEACE, Dear Friend.

martinealison said...

Avec du retard je viens souhaiter un joyeux anniversaire à ton filston!
Je suis triste d'apprendre que ton coeur pleure. Je voudrais trouver les mots justes pour calmer ta douleur....

J'arrive de Marrakech où j'ai pu me changer momentanément les idées...
Cet après-midi je me suis installée à l'atelier... Plein de choses me venaient en tête à dessiner... Il est toujours difficile de calmer mes ardeurs après un arrêt... J'ai commencé un croquis... Demain je verrai, si je le poursuivrai ou si j'en commence un autre...

Je te fais de gros bisous...

Bella Sinclair said...

Aw, Ces. I read this with great sadness. But I am also inspired by your sister's strength and quiet tenacity and honor for the promises she made. She is a marvel and a treasure.

A happy birthday to two incredible loved ones.

Now. I must do something to get the image of you in a trapeze off my mind.

Tsup Tsup and more Tsups

Andrew Finnie said...

Yes and belated from me as well. Ces, just popping in to say 'hello'

Hope you are hanging out well!

brandi said...

~ces...what a birth story my dear friend...the joys we go through as a woman...wishing your son another beautiful year ahead filled with great adventures and memories made that he will forever savor...an abundance of blessings and wishes for your sister as well...there are no words for cancer...truly a dispicable thing...i send you strength and love that continues to fill your heart now and always...may it remain with you during your toughest most trying of times...my heart breaks reading your words above and i wish i could wave my wand and make it all disappear for you...for your sister and your family...its a road no one should ever have to be on...much love light and healing blessings upon you and yours~

Arija said...

I feel with you my dearest. Sometimes the cure seems worse than the disease as my sister's bone marrow has been destroyed by the chemo. My daughter who also has group O blood, has offered her bone marrow when needed. So has my grand-niecewho recently had an operation and discovered her blood group matched too.

So t goes on, the tears well at unpredictable times, the prognosis is miserable and we hope she makes it to her birthday in May.

No amount of drawing or anything else can take the shadow from one's mind.

God bless you my dear and your son and your whole family.