A Thousand Lights, A Flicker of Hope

There is no electricity there. It is very dark and quiet. It is so peaceful. When night falls, it is total darkness, except for the full moon and the stars. But when the fireflies appear, there are thousands of them! They obliterate the darkness and light up the sky so bright. It almost seems like daytime in Inday Leah's farm.

I remember how Inday Lynette described Inday Leah's farm in the mountains. I have never been there. The last three times I went home was to see Inday Leah as she battled lung cancer. She lost that fight. It was the longest year for my sisters, my brothers and me. In my helplessness, I painted a picture I called "My Favorite Things" or "Sunflowers". In the painting, there are paintings in the background and one is of my brothers, my sisters and myself watching the fireflies flicker. The painting was my prayer, filled with hope as Inday Leah was undergoing cancer treatment. People asked me who the woman is in the painting. It was my sister who had the cancer but I replied "me". I wanted so much to take her place in her suffering. 

It is a sobering day. I woke up reading a friend's thoughts about her dying husband. I cannot stop myself from feeling sadness and sorrow for her. I know so well that pain of watching a beloved cling to life. There is nothing you can do but pray that your beloved has abandoned that ailing body and has become a hovering spirit, sharing the scene. Other's may not agree with this but I do believe that blessed are those who are present in the moment of a beloved's passing. It is so painful and filled with sorrow but what a great honor to be present giving comfort as they take their last breath. As a nurse, I have seen it many times. I always felt it a great honor to be allowed in the most sacred rites of life. I was not present for my father's passing. I was not present for Inday Leah's passing, only my mother's. There are no words to describe this act of witnessing. I do not deny the pain and the sorrow. And while the breaking of hearts are eventually healed by love and sweet remembrances, the longing never ends.

God bless those who suffer and those who grieve for them.

The fireflies are symbols of impermanence.

A Thousand Lights, A Flicker of Hope. Pen and Ink on 11"x14" Bristol Board

"Come to Inday Lec's farm. There are thousands of fireflies."

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An Empty Space

Check out the secret of Empty Spaces**

How to fill an 8"x10" space in an 11"x14" area: I challenged myself to draw this image in two hours. I failed. It took me three hours. I was furiously squiggling by the third hour and was so tired that I had to continue drawing while lying on low Fowlers position on the couch. My daughter ran her fingers through my hair to soothe me and rubbed my shoulders and back while I filled the background with squiggles. The squiggles on the edges are rough but I had to stop because I had to cook dinner. That was fun. Honestly, the drawing is not finished. I still have to draw miniature pictures on the white floating boards. The following is a tribute to my beloved sister Leah. 

An Empty Space

Everyday, I go on a journey 

To an empty space filled with pain and longing

upon which I stumble in the daytime

and fall into at night with nothing to anchor me.

The sorrow slowly devours me

until the tears swell 

and the tightness of my heart becomes real.

My heart aches and I scream in quiet anguish

until a million floating flecks of lights come to rescue me.

Each flicker holds a memory of you -

smiling, laughing, gentle words, intense gaze

a flash of energy and steely courage.

Slowly I am buoyed until I land safely

back where I started,

yet different because you are no longer here.

I hope my memory does not fail me

But if so, I will blindly follow my my heart

with every beat that proclaims 

I love you.

I love you so much and I miss you.

I feel lost without you.

I know, I know, I must go on.

But once in a while let me make this journey

if only to remind me that my life is full

and the space is not empty after all

because you dwell in it.

I am told of one April night,

you loved watching the fireflies hover around the bamboo grove at night.

Tsup!

Sunflowers, Those I Love...

Sunflowers, those I love. 30"x40" Oil on canvas. Why do we keep things? Why do we surround ourselves with objects? They straddle us, bound our spirits, prevent our wings from taking flight...

There is so much I wanted to write as I was overcome with thoughts and feelings when I was painting this picture. Lately I have been longing to change. To not be so affected, to be detached, to be free of wants and needs. Oh, I struggle. I get confused and conflicted. Someone might as well give me a lobotomy. Now that this painting is almost finished (it will take 6 to 12 months for the pigments to fully dry and oxidize before I can varnish this painting), my eloquence departs me. It is just as well; no one really knows what I think, what I feel. No one really cares; except those who sit in my chair and ruin my sleep, take my money and my things, hurt me, support me, love me and make me alive. Does this ever happen to you? You think of someone and you quiver and your heart beats so fast and you cry because you cannot contain your feelings... and to think that it is just Daisy, no wonder she struggles to free herself of my hug. I cannot help it. I love those I love, too much, too much, it hurts. What is wrong with me! Henceforth, I am giving everyone I love the liberty to be free of me. Be like Daisy, wiggle your way out so you can sleep soundly... oh wait, she's the one who ruins my sleep! I really can't help it. Ugh!

This is The Fiesta Series. I love what my friend Arija said to me:

I am so glad you are painting again. A girl who loves Fiesta ware cannot depict all of life in black and white.

Longevity and Impermanence of Society

The Crane, The Turtle, The Firefly and the Bee. Archival pen and ink on 9"x12" Bristol board. Double-click to enlarge.

This is my arabesque rendition of the crane, a symbol of longevity in China, Korea and Japan. The crane is the equivalent of 0ne thousand years, however, the turtle is the equivalent of ten thousand years. So, if a crane stands on top of the turtle that is even better, except for the turtle, perhaps. She looks better without the burden. The bee is a symbol of human society. Although the firefly is a symbol of light, it also stands for impermanence. I chose the stately Sarus Crane which breeds across southeastern Asia from India to the Philippines, in arabesque squiggles, of course..


I modeled my bee (above, can you see it?) from Arija's photograph. I also drew Bella Sinclair's ferns, the one found on her "Prehistoric" drawing. Many times, I incorporate someone I love, admire in my drawings. The Coccinella septempunctata is a remembrance of my Mother. There are also enneads in this drawing.


Oh, I almost forgot. You know, one of the pen brands I use for drawing is made by Sakura. I actually looked at the brand icon several times, which is a cherry blossom, while I was drawing the flowers.