7/13/12

Lost





Sisters (also known by many other titles) Oil on canvas 30"x40"


When I saw today's prompt for Illustration Friday, Lost, The first thing that came to mind was a recognition of my own emotional state when I think of my sister Leah. I am sad. Perhaps I was given many sisters, five. and two brothers to teach me the most important lessons in life so I won't be lost when I have to deal with the responsibilities and challenges of raising my children. They are rapidly vanishing small quantities, epsilons, now young stars trying to kindle their inner light.

I have been distraught and inconsolable with the loss of my father, the first most important masculine figure in my life, and then my mother. How can I describe losing one's most loving and beloved parents? Yet it seemed they followed the natural order of things. They lived full lives. I miss them but my heart is at peace. Not with my sister. While my heart is not in turmoil and my mind not confused, I feel more than missing. My heart physically aches, overwhelmed by sadness and sorrow. I do not question "why" anymore. I just accept that it is so. Nevertheless, I will not deny this state where I am aware and in control and now and then I stumble into a pit, deep, dark and I fall, and keep on falling until I am buoyed by tears. The darkness is awful and the aura most not apt for any of my sisters and brothers, who fill my life with colors, certainly not Leah, for she was the brightest and most brilliant of all. I miss her terribly.

I am not lost, I just often wander.

Below is an attempt at poetry which I posted, of all places, a skywatching blog. It is supposed to be a blog of brevity, almost monepic, ah leave it to me, the periphrastic one.

I am not posting this for IF. This is just my warm up.




If Only I Were A Little Like You



The world will be a better place
If only I were a little like you.
I will be of unwavering faith
Of elegant bearing and eloquence
And altruistic spirit, never forsaking.

The world will be a better place
If only I were a little like you.
I will be with great sense of humor
Inspiring and encouraging outlook
And enduring devotion.

The world will be a better place
If only I were a little like you.
I will have your brilliant mind
Your spitfire courage in quest for justice
And love for mankind.

The world will be a better place
If only I were a little like you.
I will laugh with all my heart
Be gentle and kind
Dedicated and true.

The world will be a better place
If only I were a little like you.
I will be nurturing and faithful,
Love deeply
And always be hopeful.

Instead I am me.
I thought I was brave,
instead afraid.
I thought I can speak,
instead stutter.

My heart overrules.
My clear mind clutters
You remind me that if I think less of I and me
And more of us and we
Then perhaps the world will be a better place.

6 comments:

illustration poetry said...

Just because i'm losing doesn't mean i'm lost.

beautiful painting, beautiful sisters.
hope you are well, happy weekend to you.

x

Rick Forrestal said...

This is a great piece, Ces . . . it shows your great talent, and your love of family.
With those anchors, you'll never be lost.

There's something "Picasso" about your style . . .
Love it.

k.h.whitaker said...

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

XOXOXO

Bella Sinclair said...

One of my favorite paintings of yours. My heart empties, then fills with the lines of your beautiful poem. Tsup.

Shirley said...

I second Bella's statement..this is one of my favorite paintings of yours. There is so much love woven into your poem, Ces, and I am so honored to read this. Just know that you are so blessed to have such an incredible family, and I know they feel just as blessed having you in their lives. I too miss your sister for you. I am glad you are not lost, my friend. Tsup!!

Lisa Graham Art said...

What a powerful painting Ces. I too have lost a sister...way too young. I know this pain very well. Wishing you comfort at those hours you miss her most and always. Your poem is beautiful.