If Only I Were A Little Like You

I previously posted the following on my sky appreciation blog. I am re-posting it because it is the sentiment that is most apt for me right now. It's funny how at an age when I know who I am and what I want and do, there are some things said to me that surprisingly make me swell with joy. The other day, my son, upon seeing a photograph of my mother with my sister Leah on her lap, remarked "She looks just like you holding me!" In fact he remarked that every photograph of my mother holding anyone of my sisters or me when we were babies or toddlers look just like me holding him or his younger sister." That makes me very happy. I remember how as a rebellious teenager I told my mother that someday when I become a mother I will dare to be different and be not like her. She just smiled and replied "You will be different, you will be yourself, but you will have a child just like you." I looked at her knowing what she intended with that remark. She just looked at me and smiled, a kind of smile with pursed lips, her right eyebrow raised in amusement.

I will be fifty-five in a few days. It is my fortune to be second to the youngest among my siblings. I was born when my mother was at the same age I was when I had my second child. My position in our family hierarchy saved me from the tragedies of war, rebuilding lives and nation, house fire, with everything but my mother's Singer sewing machine lost, and rebuilding our home. I later learned to sew with that sewing machine. I was blessed with the love and care my parents gave me, complimented by the vigilance and protection of my elder sisters and brothers. Yet, if there is one regret I may have, it is that I waited much later in life to be a mother and lived so far from my parents. My children only saw my parents once. They were aged four and one respectively. My son remembers that visit. He especially remembered the monkey at a resort that scratched him. He remembers his grandparents. I am thankful, however lone numbered, I was able to give him those tender memories. As for my daughter she can look at the photographs. That is always a fun exercises. We remember  a naked infant chasing the ducks. Very adorable!

It is rare that I look at the clouds these days.  The one on the left is from my sister Leah's farm taken by my brother a few months before Leah was diagnosed with cancer. The photo on the right is the front of our house. One can barely see the roof of our house. I haven't been back to the home where I spent my teenage years, since my mother's funeral. Last year in February, my sister passed away. I miss my sister very much. I won't be able to phone her on my birthday this year.

July 12, 2012

As children we laid on the fields, my sisters and I. We looked up to the sky and imagined how it would be if we could fly. If there were clouds we made up stories. We laughed a lot and sometimes we remained still and listened to each other breathe. I did not tell them that I imagined a frightening image of a giant knife falling from the sky hurtling towards me. I just closed my eyes and held on to their hands for dear life.

If Only I Were A Little Like You

The world will be a better place
If only I were a little like you.
I will be of unwavering faith
Of elegant bearing and eloquence
And altruistic spirit, never forsaking.

The world will be a better place
If only I were a little like you.
I will be with great sense of humor
Inspiring and encouraging outlook
And enduring devotion.

The world will be a better place
If only I were a little like you.
I will have your brilliant mind
Your spitfire courage in quest for justice
And love for mankind.

The world will be a better place
If only I were a little like you.
I will laugh with all my heart
Be gentle and kind
Dedicated and true.

The world will be a better place
If only I were a little like you.
I will be nurturing and faithful,
Love deeply
And always be hopeful.

Instead I am me.
I thought I was brave,
instead afraid.
I thought I can speak,
instead stutter.

My heart overrules.
My clear mind clutters
You remind me that if I think less of I and me
And more of us and we
Then perhaps the world will be a better place.

Dedicated to my five sisters (who are a lot like our mother).

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